In defence of young men.

Self-defence session in the forest, on our first Both Sides Foundation retreat.

Last week we had the pleasure of hosting a retreat for eight young men, aged between 15 and 21 years old. This was the first retreat for the Both Sides Foundation, our charity project created to extend our retreats to young adult males, marking the all important (and all too often under recognised) transition between boy and man.

In our opinion one of the greatest challenges facing young men in modern society is the lack of positive male role models. No matter how present with his time and energy the father may be, male psychologists have shown time and time again just how important the role of male mentors - separate from the roles of both father and teacher - are in this developmental phase of a young man’s life.

No matter how positive and well-rounded a father they may have, young males thrive when they can spend time with a diversity of adult males who embody different archetypes of positive masculinity. They say it ‘takes a village’ to raise a child, but with modern family dynamics increasingly more secular, the opportunity to build relationships with other male mentors is growing more and more scarce.

And then of course, there are many young males growing up without the guidance of a father or father figure at all.

We created the Both Sides Foundation to address this growing need; giving young males the opportunity to explore multi-generational male spaces, standing shoulder to shoulder with both peers and elders, connecting with and relating to their own individual expression of masculinity.

Ciaran building the fire.

So what exactly did we do?

We spent three days in the great outdoors; surfing, kayaking, chopping wood and building fires, training hard, laughing harder and learning from those we shared the space with.

And when the sun went down, we held the space for authentic conversation around positive expressions of masculinity in modern society; how we show up, how we relate to others, how we lead, how we honour our word.

We couldn’t have been more impressed by the group of young men that we shared the experience with. Teenagers get a bit of a bad reputation these days, but we were left in absolute awe by the attitude, courage and endeavour showed by these guys from start to finish. We treated them like men and they more than acted like them.

We’re sure there are countless more examples like them; young men that need spaces to be seen as men, to express themselves as men, to thoughtfully and intentionally connect with what being a man means to them.

And so the work continues. The Both Sides Foundation is just getting started.

This project was made possible thanks to the generous donations of our community and the support of the Wave Project Charity. For all those reading this that have helped in some way, we couldn’t be more grateful for your support.

Jesse and Harry igniting a spark.

What happens on a men’s retreat?

Jiu-jitsu on our Autumn Rewilding Retreat, Cornwall.

Bare knuckle fighting, cuddle puddles, primal scream therapy, magic mushrooms, strippers?

Over the past five years of hosting men’s retreats, I’ve realised that no one is really quite sure exactly what happens on a men’s retreat. Perhaps they’ve seen a couple Instagram videos of white guys with dreadlocks waving feathers around and yelling at each other, all completely sensationalised in a desperate attempt to hold a precious second of the desensitised doomscroller’s ever fragmenting attention span.

From the gate, I have a real problem with these kind of videos. Do what you like in your free time, but don’t pimp and publish such moments of acute intensity to appeal to an algorithm. If you’re serious about ‘doing the work’ then turn off the camera and be fully present with it. Rant over.

And so it is that the nervous first time retreater walks through our door absolutely shitting themselves, not sure whether they’ll be asked to spend the weekend talking to a group of strangers about their deepest childhood trauma, kill and butcher a wild animal with their bare hands, or both.

It doesn’t need to be this way. Men have been gathering for far longer than there has been social media or even google search. The best men’s retreat isn’t about the promotional video that gets the most views on TikTok!

The best men’s retreat is the one that creates the safest container for both introspection and expansion; the one that allows all of the unhelpful narratives we hold about ourselves to gently unravel, and offers an opportunity to step into the fullest and most authentic expression of what the integral masculine means to us.

But none of this answers my question! Why don’t you tell me what happens on a men’s retreat!?

I can, and I will, but I can’t help but feel it’s a very reductionist exercise. When we focus on the activities that happen on a men’s retreat we are only really looking at a small part of the picture.

I can tell you about the yoga and the breathwork and the wild swimming and the hikes and the saunas and the fire circles and the great food and the conversation… but I can’t help but feel you’d be missing the point of why we’re all here in the first place.

Because, whilst all of these activities may provide some degree of structure to the experience, the real work happens in the spaces that lie between.

It happens in the solo walk through the forest where your thoughts slow down for just long enough to feel connected to something greater than yourself.

It happens in the vulnerable conversation with a man two days ago a stranger, where you feel heard and seen in a way that your friends from back home have never allowed.

It happens when you look up at the stars, untainted by the bright lights of civilisation, for the first time since you can’t remember when.

Whilst I can’t tell you what happens on other men’s retreats, I can tell you what happens on a Both Sides Retreat, and it is this. We’ll spend time in nature and we’ll eat good food and we’ll talk about things that matter and we’ll guide you through some time honoured practices that benefit your physical and mental wellbeing.

If that all sounds unremarkable, then please take it as a necessary tonic to the world of excess and exaggeration that we live in. We don’t do this because it looks good or because men’s work is all of a sudden ‘on trend’ (trust me, it wasn’t like that five years ago!)

We do this because it is needed, because it makes a difference, and because we want men of all ages and backgrounds to find a safe way to explore their own relationship to masculinity. Whatever that word means to them.

Perhaps this is why so many other men’s retreats resort to sensationalist sales videos and unnecessarily complex itineraries… because they’re missing the point of all of this. We retreat to find simplicity, not complexity. In our experience there is very little that the gentle embrace of nature, the warm glow of a fire and the strong arm around your shoulder cannot heal.

We hope that this space enriches your life with as much greatness as it has ours. We look forward to welcoming you along the road.